The third chapter in The Boy’s Own Guide is about obedience. I feel that when people think of obedience, they feel as if it somehow means oppression and the response to that is always rebellion. People lack the understanding that obedience is necessarily oppressive. It is an act of deferring to those who have had more experience and who use their authority wisely. Of course, the reason for such rebellion is due to the corruption of many of our systems resulting in people misusing their authority. Disobedience in this case can be justified. When then, is obedience justified? Simonds offers some valuable insight into the necessity of obedience.
Why is it important to be Obedient?
First, a definition. Obedience is “submission to rightful authority.” Simonds defines rightful authority as someone who adheres to God’s will, which would imply that any imposition or request of another is not just for selfish purposes, but for God’s purposes. Rightful authority is extended to parents first and foremost, remembering the fifth commandment of “Honor thy father and thy mother.” To the father and mother, obedience is given to both their commands and to their wishes. Obedience to the parents should occur until the child is grown and independent. Even after then, the parents should still be listened to and given attentive consideration.
This is the understanding of the author and it clearly represents the time in which this was written. Now, it is no longer typical for parents to be recognized as having authority granted by God. Regardless, the expectation for obedience is present even if it doesn’t come from a religious background.
There are a lot of practical reasons to be, or at least know how to be obedient. Orderly conduct is the main reason. A child who obeys their parents learns to obey their teachers and other members of society who hold authority like civil servants etc. This also means obedience to laws that help to keep a society civil and orderly so that it can run smoothly. The practical reasons are essentially a given, but obedience is more than just an act, it is a way of being that reflects many other aspects of one’s character.
This brings us to two questions which I’ve talked about many times before in my various writings: what is the point of developing one’s character and why is it so important?
The role obedience plays in self development is paramount because obedience stems from duty to oneself and to others. Duty to oneself means holding oneself to certain standards which include moral qualities, virtues and the avoidance of temptations. All of this serves to create a foundation in which one can stand firmly in themselves, which allows that person to be competent and useful to others. From that place, a person can do pretty much anything that they set their minds to according to their own innate talents.
Obedience at a young age teaches one to know their place. Where that place is and where it ultimately goes depends on how strict those boundaries are.
The realization that every good artist comes to eventually is an understanding of their own limitations and boundaries. A painter cannot paint off of their canvas. A writer can only write as long as they have ink (or in our modern age, as long as the laptop is charged and the electric bills are paid). Too many choices and variations ultimately cause paralysis of thought. A painter decides on what surface they will paint, what colors they will paint with, and what brushes they will use. They will pick just a small number of paints and brushes and only one surface. With those few things alone, they still have the capacity to paint whatever they can think of or feel. That freedom only exists because the artist has set specific boundaries, which they will use to create whatever they want—the boundaries are obeyed.
There are a certain amount of limitations that a child must be provided with if they are to grow up with good habits and principles. The parents are the ones that set up those boundaries. Often the parents set up boundaries based on their own standards, but the best boundaries are ones that provide a little bit of flexibility and are based on the child’s personality and temperament. Even the strongest oak must learn to be flexible in strong winds lest its trunk snaps from the pressure. That means that there are some things that are negotiable and others that are non-negotiable. It is up to the parents to find that balance if they want to ensure that their child will listen. Without any boundaries, the possibility that the child learns and repeats bad behavior increases, and with too many boundaries, the temptation to push against them increases. This is why obedience has to be more than just blindly following orders.
Should Obedience be Forced?
Obedience cannot be forced; “Forced obedience is rebellion.” It does not help anyone to be forced to act. Even if it is for the sake of making better choices, if it does not come from one’s own will to do better, it will do no good to act. Forced obedience does not create the foundation towards a more rounded development because that child will have no personal desire to achieve that. They will not become courteous, empathetic, or reasonable by their own standards because they were forced to be that way.
Flexibility with obedience creates trust between the parent and the child. The non-negotiable things can become easier to obey the more room there is to change the negotiable things. Children will feel more inclined to obey when they are shown the merit of their obedience. That cannot happen when obedience is forced.
Obedience As an Act of Trust
The last thing parents want for their kids is to be hurt or to be put in danger. For this reason, many parents establish rules to prevent their children from dangerous situations. To disobey these rules is to put the child’s life at risk in some way. An example would be telling children not to open the door if someone knocks while the parents are busy or away. A stranger poses a risk that can either be harmless, or the most harmful thing that can happen. In the event that the person knocking happens to be a predator, then a child would essentially be safe as long as they don’t answer the door. Following this rule would then prevent them from potential danger and disobeying it could mean the end of their life. It is that drastic and that serious. There is a reason that the parents would make a rule like this and the child must learn to trust that the rule is in their best interest.
The more a child trusts their parents, the more willing they are to be obedient. In this case, it is for the protection of the child and many rules are created for this purpose. The author uses an example of a boy who wants to go ice skating with other boys. The boy’s father tells him that the ice is too thin and that he would likely fall in. However, the boy notices the other boys skating and they don’t seem to be falling in. He decides to disobey his father and skate on the ice. All is well, until the ice does give way. This example shows that a child does not have as much capacity for judgment as their parents do, and that to disobey means to experience a dangerous situation. In this case, the boy learned the hard way to listen to the advice of his father. There are, however, more dangerous situations that can lead to severe or irreversible damage, like the experimentation with drugs and alcohol. A developing brain is especially susceptible to falling into such habits without principles to help guide them.
To avoid falling into bad habits at an early age, there have to be a certain amount of rules and boundaries established by the parents. The child(ren) has to see their parents act according to their own principles—to lead by example—if those boundaries are to be respected and obeyed. The aspect of trust makes obedience a loving act that serves to build a strong relationship between the parent and child, which therefore helps the child to establish close relationships later in life. I believe this is why the author states that obedience serves as the foundation to the development of one’s character.
Obedience is more than just blind faith. Implicit in obedience is the consideration for the feelings of others over the feelings of oneself. There is an aspect of selflessness, courtesy, and thoughtfulness that contributes to the development of empathy. As young children, it is very important to learn how to be obedient because the obedient child learns these other traits which are essential to healthy development for both the individual and for the society in which the individual exists.
Disobedience, Questioning Authority and Discipline
I consider myself to be very fair minded and free thinking, and the thought that kept occurring to me while reading this chapter was, “When is it okay to question and challenge authority?” I didn’t consider my parents as deserving of wielding their own authority for many different reasons, and I get the feeling that many people feel the same way. If parents don’t seem deserving of obedience, why should children obey?
The first answer deals with the fact that parents truly do not use their authority properly. This would be the case for any parent that does not act in good faith to God’s will. Any parent who mistreats their child or causes them to sin (steal, lie, cheat, etc.) is not worthy of obedience. This is when it is okay to question their authority.
However, and this is a big however, young minds are not qualified or experienced enough to be able to have a choice of whether or not they obey. This is especially because any ambiguity or inconsistency of the rules can lead to the development of bad habits. Children should know (by being shown) that they must trust their parents’ better judgment. They have had more experience in the world. They know more of what kinds of behaviors lead to destruction and vices. Their word is to be taken without question based on respect, trust and love.
Disobedience and questioning authority is a particularly tricky subject to navigate. With such an emphasis on individuality, it seems that the common consensus is that children should be able to decide things for themselves. They are taught to question everything they are told and to disregard anything that doesn’t fit their small and limited beliefs. I say small and limited because they are children with no experience of the world. They are not self-guiding beings; they absolutely depend on their parents to know what is best for them. That can be difficult, and it is easy for parents to misjudge and misunderstand their children. Good parents, however, roll with the punches. They rely on their own experiences and knowledge and make informed decisions about what is best for their child. That can also be very difficult in the modern world because we are bombarded by various information and data, often with conflicting messages and hidden agendas. In any case, disobedience should be very limited and parents need to guide their kids through the world, not the other way around.
Disobedience used to bring about very harsh punishments. In our modern world, people view disciplinary actions themselves as harmful. There has been a major shift in America where punishment and discipline don’t seem to be as common, or not nearly harsh enough. A lack of discipline only contributes to the perpetuation of bad behavior. Punishments must have a real and tangible effect in order for them to be effective. I’m not saying that punishments need to be harsh, only as harsh as the deed demands. But following through with punishment and discipline is important. I don’t think people really know how important corrective measures are anymore. I also don’t think people realize that the suffering that they feel is absolutely nothing compared to how things used to be, or how things are in other parts of the world currently. A lack of discipline makes for a soft and undifferentiated child who remains soft and weak when they grow up, which in turn makes them susceptible to temptation and bad behaviors.
Closing Notes
Obedience during a critical situation can be the difference between life and death. In 1851, a teacher in New York City suddenly fell ill during class. Many of the students rushed out of the classroom in a panicked frenzy which ultimately led to the death of 42 students and the injury of 50 others. Those students ignored the teachers who insisted that they stay put and calm. They didn’t listen and because of their disobedience, many others died. Obedience here is an act of trust; trusting that despite there being an urgent situation, things would turn out okay as long as everyone stayed calm. The teachers knew this, but the children were overcome by their “inattention.”
The rewards for obedience are ultimately more pleasing and worthwhile than the fruit bore from the seeds of disobedience. For disobedience leads one towards vices and temptations; a life filled with an empty desire to gratify oneself at the expense of others whilst ignoring the wisdom of others. If a person cannot obey others or God, can they obey themselves? They are more likely to remain a slave to their own unconscious ambitions, unaware of the forces that lead them towards life-shortening vices.
“Those who do not obey man will not obey God.” Those who do not listen to others have no chance of being able to connect with anything higher than themselves. Many choose to believe that there is no such thing as a “higher self,” or higher being. That’s fine, but the consequence of such a belief simply means that other forces will control a person without their knowledge. We all have a spiritual urge that drives us to connect with something more than ourselves. The way that we manifest that urge doesn’t necessarily have to be through religious practice, as some would prefer to simply serve their country or a humanitarian organization; anything that is beyond one’s own identity and ego.
The refusal to listen even to the urge to serve a higher purpose has the same effect as refusing to obey God. While some people are more disagreeable by nature, that doesn’t prevent them from feeling the urge to establish a connection to something more than themselves. The refusal to do so only brings about pain and discomfort, which leads one to vices to numb the pain. It is a cycle that continues until one realizes that there is more to life than one’s own ego and sensual desires. So, to reiterate, those who do not obey their parents from a young age do not obey the requests of those with authority. Those that refuse to obey their fellow man, will refuse to obey their own conscience and therefore fail to establish a strong moral character which can lead to a life filled with unnecessary difficulty and harmful habits.